Unlearning

Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. ⁷ When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” ⁸ Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.John 8:6b-8

Having raised a daughter and a non-binary child, there were several times when my parental instincts and my feminism and allyship clashed. This happened frequently during their middle school and high school years. Often, I found myself unlearning the man I was taught to be.

As a feminist, I wanted to raise children who were outspoken and independent, who took ownership of their choices, and who weren't afraid to challenge a misogynistic culture. However, I learned, sometimes rather harshly, that raising independent children means accepting that they won't always agree with me or follow my perfectly good advice.

Never was this struggle more real than when it came to the clothing they chose to wear.

When they walked into the room wearing something revealing, provocative, gender-bending, or simply different, decades of cultural conditioning came rushing back. I believed they deserved autonomy over their bodies and the freedom to express themselves. Yet, there I was, struggling to practice what I believed.

In John 8, religious leaders set a theological trap for Jesus. Men stood ready to stone a woman to death because they accused her of adultery. And there was Jesus, drawing in the dirt (what WAS he drawing, anyway?).

But notice what Jesus didn't do.

He didn't say a word to the woman about what she was wearing, how she got there, or what she might have done to deserve this. Instead, Jesus turned the attention back to the men holding the stones. He made them take a good, hard look at themselves.

Too often, our instinct is to ask someone to change their behavior rather than confront the culture that makes us uncomfortable. Sadly, many Christians have become quite skilled at using scripture as a weapon to police everyone else's behavior while conveniently overlooking their own.

But Jesus was radically serious about self-examination. Remember the plank in your own eye before worrying about the speck in someone else's? He was repeatedly gentle with those who recognized their shortcomings and remarkably harsh toward those who considered themselves righteous enough to judge others.

All people deserve safety and respect, regardless of what they wear. No one should have to make themselves smaller, less visible, or less expressive to accommodate someone else's discomfort.

I had to learn that my discomfort wasn't necessarily evidence that my children were doing something wrong. Sometimes it was evidence that I still had some unlearning to do.

Perhaps that's the challenge of this story. It's easy to identify with the woman surrounded by judgmental people. It's much harder to recognize ourselves among the men holding stones.

Jesus didn't ask the woman to make herself more acceptable to the men holding the stones. He asked the men to examine themselves.

Maybe that's where our own unlearning begins.

Mother, Father, non-binary God, help us recognize the judgments and assumptions we carry, especially those we have mistaken for love, protection, or righteousness. Give us the humility to examine our own hearts before questioning the choices of others. Teach us to put down our stones and honor the sacred worth of every person. Amen.